A Rush Of Blood To The Head

As I type this it's officially Christmas here in my home town of Toledo, Ohio. Being back home with my mom Laura, with the familiarities and comforts has helped me relax and enjoy being alone and out of Portsmouth. Recently, I've find myself in a weird period of my life. A time where I'm questioning everything and anything that has taken up these past couple years. I've been so caught up in things that can waste a whole lifetime to realize these are suppose to be the best years of my life. Having some time away makes you slow down, enjoy the peace and quiet, and have time to think and reflect.

It's easy to let yourself go and get too deep into things like the pleasure of being loved or wanted, or what you look at as "a good night out", that you almost loose yourself entirely. You change your personality, your looks, anything in order to fit this role, this image you make up in your mind. It can get so deep that you might not even know its happening until you convince yourself this is the "new you" by forcing yourself to accept it. I want to become my own person so bad, and I feel that there are a lot of things in my life right now that are holding me back. Being Independent has been something I've strive for my whole life, and I'd like nothing more then to grow and develop as my own self.

I tend to enjoy the easy, most pleasurable, small attributes that life has to offer that have no particular meaning or value, and honestly I hate that about myself. I wish I could be someone who gets straight A's, someone who is considered the perfect collegiate well rounded successful athlete who is gonna do something with his life. Sometimes, I feel like what I'm doing will lead me no where, or that I won't be successful at anything. On the other side, I feel like life is a gift that I don't plan to waste a minute of it. I say fuck the map, a life planed out is a life filled with limits. I want to make the best out of what I've got and to enjoy every second, because you never know what will happen a year from now, tomorrow, even a minute from now. Nothing is determined, the only thing that will make the future become reality is the choice you make and you have to be willing to accept and learn from your decisions. Pray that these decisions you make in life will be the right ones, and will lead you into something so beautiful so peaceful you'll look back and smile knowing that what you did was the right thing.

Not a lot of this makes any sense to you select few readers so I'll try to sum it up into something I'd like for you to take from this. Never change who you are, never be someone who you think people will like and be able to accept. Be who you are, not what you think you should be. There has been some changes in my life recently that I will write about later, but right now I'd like to leave on a quote by John Mason...

"You were born an original, don't die a copy"