To a runner, being injured is one of the hardest things to overcome. Anger, doubt, depression are all stages and symptoms of a runners copping methods. Mentally, it's a daily battle between the positives and negatives trying to take control. Physically, it's usually out of your control.
Most of the time it's the mental battle that takes control and creates this "Monster". The only cure to defeating this monster and becoming that runner you once knew, is simply getting healthy and overcome the injury. So, you take a couple days off, ibuprofen becomes your daily vitamin, and icing at night is as important as "Netflix and chill"; But yet that monster is becoming more and more prevalent in your life. You thought this would be a quick fix, a minor hiccup in what seems to be your best build-up of you running career. You start to become anxious, worried for what lies ahead. At this point, you are willing to do just about anything to get back out on the roads and get that feeling of accomplishment back.
So, without much improvement or signs of healing you do just that. You become the bigger monster. You don't have time to wait around for something to tell you when to run. But, without much surprise, that injury and monster you thought you defeated, shows up with vengeance. It quickly reminds you who decides your fate. It is at this crucial point when a runner realizes everything is out of their control, depression hits like a tun of bricks. The choice to continue the battle or let fate have its turn must be decided. So, it's back to the drawing board. Stubbornness didn't defeat it, perhaps more rest and treatment will do the trick. And the cycle continues to repeat itself until one of two things happen. The positive outcome of a runner getting their life back and continue on the path of self righteousness, or the monster wins and you are a nobody.
Most of you can't comprehend what any of this means or feels like, but if you are one of the select few who are blessed by the curse of the miles of trials, you'll know that times like these are of the darkest times. Since moving to Athens and making my training a priority in my life again, things have been absolutely beautiful up until a couple weeks. I was getting in great shape, running 80-85 miles a week, lifting five times a week, 6 mile tempos ending in sub 5 minute pace, 15 milers at 6:10-20's. Paradise is being in the thick of the grind, healthy and hungry for the time where you finally are able to cash in your hard work on the track and run something fast, and that's what this spring was looking like for me.
After a hard hill session and 18 mile day, I decided to run a trail race at my friend Reece Browns cabin. My competitiveness got the best of me and I ran hard from the start to the finish even though my legs were screaming at me the entire time. The trails were drenched in thick mud, not to mention the aggressiveness of the terrain and elevation. The run left me in really bad shape, and the following day I noticed the outside of my right knee flare up pretty bad when attempting to get in my long run. I had to stop after 4 miles and that's when the monster and the above scenario started to take control. I believe their might be a slight tear in my lateral collateral ligament. It's been 16 days since that trail race, and I haven't been able to run pain free since. All I've managed to do is 4-5 mile runs, with a couple workouts that's left me limping on the cool-down. Hope is at a all time low.
I have always been drawn to running when times are tough, and now that I don't have that escape, it has been very difficult not to loose my shit. There are days when I have no pain and the joy comes quickly again down my spine, and everything seems right in the world, but soon after the realization of something that is not healed overtakes everything positive and drowns it with sorrow. So, the monster seems to be winning right now. As I continue treating the injury as best as I know, all I can do is try to hold onto any fitness gains I had leading into the injury, and hope I can still come back and do what I want to do on the track this spring.
Here's to defeating your own monster and keeping faith in the simplicity of hope.
- BJW
